


we all need someone to stay.

by atrophied (traintravks)



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Dysfunctional Relationships, M/M, Soulmates, this is really emo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-12-09
Packaged: 2020-03-02 18:07:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18816238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/traintravks/pseuds/atrophied
Summary: wherever victor touches roses bloom,yuuri is okay with that.aka, this is a really long emotional victuuri au i wrote literally 2 years ago during finals and i needed to post it, so here it is. give it your heart because i gave it mine.





	1. i.

they spend their summer on fire escapes,flicking ashes off the side and pretending intoxication will dull the pain.

the city is overbearing,suffocating and claustrophobic but they strive to be better and to not let the humid heat get to their heads.

victor is all long limbs and cherry lips. he laughs loudly and mutters russian underneath his breath often. he feels a sort of homesickness unknown to yuuri which makes yuuri hold his hand tighter and reassure him of things even brighter.

they plan excursions and exchange stories lying on cold metal floors,staring at the clouds that obscure the not there stars. yuuri finds it funny how there can be so much light but none at all in the same moment and victor gives him a sad smile,places his hand on yuuri’s cheek. it’s not enough to break the train of intrusive thoughts and hope the world isn’t crumbling at his feet. 

when things get bad and yuuri cannot get any sleep. jittering and shivering without a mug of homemade jasmine tea cupped in his hand,victor tells yuuri stories of his childhood,running his fingers through yuuri’s hair,bearing the brunt of his weight.  
(they’re always on the brink of something but too scared to wade)

victor speaks of the winter,of the the cold,of his mother making homemade borsch,how snowflakes caught in his father's hair and makkachin would stay up all hours of the night with him to search for butterflies in their hibernating homes.he got extra presents because of his birthday and when he was eight his mother bought him ice skates. he was a goner,his first love he proclaims and he laughs. yuuri can feel the vibrations of his chest and it eases the ache in his mind. victor is real and when he speaks of the lush evergreen trees and his grandmother scolding him for bruised knees and the girl he got fake married to at summer camp with a gummy ring and how his mother found so much amusement in everything,yuuri is so so fucking grateful. they both cry a little after that and victor replaces yuuri’s cold mug with his own hands. his circulation might be bad but he is much warmer than any figment of hasetsu could ever be.

 

they hang photos and random art pieces all over yuuri’s loft, half smiles and skin decorate the walls. victor lives halfway across the city,in a much better vicinity but he’s a part of the furniture at yuuri’s. yuuri has a knack for forgetting to close the fire escape door and victor has a quality of understanding. it’s pretty great and yuuri slowly begins to feel less lonely. 

(it doesn’t last long)

there are flowers in a vase and used dishes in the sink and duvet covers all over the floor. there is a movie on and victor’s hands on yuuri’s back,yuuri’s hands in victor's hair,lips on lips on lips when victor gets a call. the display name reads “yakov” and suddenly there is a wild look in victor’s eyes. he tenses up and before victor can push yuuri away,yuuri moves busying himself with the dishes.there is heated conversation in russian,animated hand gestures. yuuri can pick up words here and there. (he’s been learning russian in his free time,not that victor knows) and he feels scared. it doesn’t sound good.

when victor walks into the kitchen half an hour later. there are tear tracks on his face and a broken smile. yuuri knows the charade is up,it’s time to detach. a clean break.  
yet he also wants to gather all the parts of victor that victor cannot love himself and stow them away,finally safe. 

but he can’t,he’s not allowed.there are boundaries and frontiers and thousands of mismatched fears and only two and a half months have passed since murky waters began to become more clear. waterlilies have not even sprouted yet.

victor looks like he has so much to say and no time to say any of it but yuuri shakes his head. there are thunderstorms inside victor’s veins and people build kingdoms for him. yuuri wishes he could,had the time to. victor hugs him,bruising,crushing and there are tears in yuuri's eyes now as well. he’s not sure where they came from,where any of his roots are,where he and victor begin and end. yet victor kisses his nose,his forehead,his lips and yuuri wants to whimper,to scream,to yell that it can’t end possibly end like this,that nothing has even started yet but all he does is bite his own tongue and caress victor’s cheek. 

he can tell victor understands what he means and then victor leaves,he goddamn leaves with yuuri’s heart trapped between his teeth.

yuuri cries on the cold kitchen floor and lets the flowers wilt,he washes his sheets and starts to remember to close the fire escape door. he puts victors favourite mug in the back of the cupboard.it’s procedural,almost mechanical letting a soulmate fade away into oblivion and it shouldn't be.

yet he plays victor’s past voice messages to help him fall asleep and the instrumental he was trying to record when victor was giving him hickeys is still unfinished sitting in cd form on the tv. the photos don't get taken down off the walls and the calendar still stand tall with both of their plans till the end of august etched inside. 

yuuri swears that he'll be alright, that cherry blossom hands and sunshine smiles and personified art hasn't swept him that away. he lies to himself everyday. he's okay okay okay. 

 

now he tends to get hit with very stark memories at odd intervals of the day. victor licking hot chocolate froth off his top lip on the night of the tenth and the time they rented bicycles to traipse around the city whilst listening to lorde on repeat and how they sat in the back pews of empty churches during lunch breaks speaking of stupid pretentious poetry and old childhood dreams. victor wanted to be in the army at one point when he was 13 and yuuri panics even trying to imagine a world without victor in it whilst victor twirls a curl into yuuri’s wet hair, humming contentedly. 

they used to talk about liminal spaces and parallel worlds and the concept of safety. yuuri will never be clean ever again.

phichit and guanghong and leo are worried about him and victor’s strange swiss french chris that victor met at a drag night keeps sending him very concerned looks anytime he sees yuuri, so yuuri makes an effort to smile more and throw himself into work and encourage his friends to talk about their lives. phichit recently got accepted into this really good exclusive dance academy (it was his dream) and leo’s going on tour with his band and guanghong is almost finished his culinary arts degree. he’s saving up to open his own restaurant in autumn,taking extra shifts at the deli and yuuri helps him scout locations every week. he really wants to be happy.


	2. ii

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! here is another wee bit of this fic for the people who care, enjoy!! <3 ps. bear in mind i left this incomplete in 2017, however the story still lives on with me so if u would like more just let me know, okay love u bye xx

it’s been 34 days since the incident when he breaks down and calls mari. he tells her everything about everything. victor and missing home and how his anxiety is getting worse and about how shitty love is and how he finally thinks he’s figured out his sexuality and how he misses him, how it’s an aching in his chest, how he looks down and stares at the stupid paperclip ring victor made him after yuuri confessed about being jealous of the girl at camp.how he never takes it off (even in the shower), how it’s probably really bad for his skin and has started rusting and how victor whispered when he thought yuuri had fallen asleep that the ring symbolises all the promises he strives to keep. they were getting better, weren’t they? he doesn’t even have victor’s number for fucks sake, they spent everyday together, and he’s all snotty and heaving for air when he’s done and his sister looks in so much pain over video. there is a lag so he just stares, there are tears on her cheeks and all she says after a minute is to come home in japanese.

he books the flight without thinking twice but doesn’t have the heart to tell her that home isn’t hasetsu anymore (or maybe it never was? it’s in victor’s arms and victor’s mind and in victor’s half hidden smiles at 5am when the sunrise projected a stream of rose pink,lilac,violet and indigo over his face. when he let his eyes linger for so long over yuuri’s that in that exact moment yuuri felt like he could combust, so in love.) 

being home feels weird, mari picks him up at the airport and is constantly looking over at him or touching him as if to make sure he’s still in one piece. minako chatters on about the ballet studio and the new cocktails she’s created and how he should’ve come home much sooner. his mum observes him as if she’s trying to decide which part of his heart to stitch up first or to wait until he’s ready to speak. dad is respectful and gives him extra portions at meals and kisses the top of his head a lot and yuuko lets him hang around ice castle far too long after closing time as he just lays on the ice and remembers victor’s routines and pretends to hear the sharpness of his skates. nishigori almost runs him over with the zamboni machine one day while he’s like this and it’s not as scary as it would seem. yuuri laughs hysterically as he watches nishigori panic throwing hands in the air and then stops abruptly as he doesn’t remember when the last time he genuinely laughed was. he has dinner and sleeps over at theirs that night, surrounded by the triplets and their toys, feeling some semblance of recovery. he’s proud yet he wakes up to incessant buzzing on his phone and it’s dark, no light. it’s an unknown number and yuuri grabs his device and rushes into the bathroom, no idea who it is, with no glasses on. he picks up the call and turns back to check on the kids when he hears a breathed out sigh of “yuuri.” he almost trips over his feet and his voice cracks when he says “victor” back. “hi” is the reply he receives and he says “hi” too. he tries to run down the stairs as quietly as possible as victor’s voice gets more frantic and rushed “i? i don’t know why i called you? i? i think i’m drunk and i miss you a lot and your voice and your smile and i can’t stop stop thinking of the jigsaw puzzle that’s on your coffee table we never got to finish and how my plants will die since you always forget to water them and i got your number from phichit a couple weeks ago and i couldn’t muster up the courage to call you for absolute ages and i am so confused you picked up now. i miss your stupid face zvedza moya.” (my mystery)

and yuuri is biting the inside of his cheek as he speaks, “are you alright victor? where are you?” he whispers opening the sliding door to head outside. “i’m fine lyobov moya (my love), don’t worry about me, i’m just drunk and i miss you a lot and your voice and your smile and i’m in a weird mood and don’t laugh but i’m outside your house,” there’s shuffling then “but your fire escape door is shut??” and he sounds so broken, disjointed in that last sentence that yuuri can feel blood on his tongue. “i’m in hasestu itoshi (darling)” he says. 

“you’re in hasetsu? since when?” and victor sounds so scared, yuuri doesn’t understand.   
“there’s a key underneath the olive tree you insisted we plant, okay koishii (beloved), just open the door and i’ve been here a couple weeks. i missed home i guess.” yuuri sits on the grass on the ground, fiddling with his hoodie strings. “i don’t want to open the door yuuri, i want to have the door already open,” victor states and yuuri is even more confused now. he sounds winded.

“victor, you’re not making any sense darling, just open the door and stay as long as you need to.” he’s softening his voice and now he can hear victor sigh over the phone. “i’m sorry for bothering you yuuri, go back to sleep, it’s probably late, speak soon okay? ty nuchen mnye (i need you)” he rushes out and he hangs up. yuuri doesn’t rest after that,numb,numb,numb is all he feels. he sits on the grass in yuuko and takeshi’s garden full of brightly coloured flowers staring at the sunrise, pretending he feels safe in the 5am light (like he did with victor.) yuko finds him like that at 8am in the morning with his head in his hands. “back to square one again,” she thinks. 

victor doesn’t call back after that and yuuri’s too scared to try. maybe victor was just really drunk he thinks? it still makes no sense to him but the more caffeine he intakes to think the worse he feels so he just stops, doesn’t think about victor curled up alone in his bed in the nice part of town, drifting around buying groceries. he doesn’t think of victor possibly coming back for him, forces himself to think of it as a freak coincidence although chris’ subject lines for emails seem to be getting even more dramatic as the days go on, he doesn’t press on any of them in case victor’s moved on and he’s just an old overrated old pop song on the radio now. he doesn’t understand why it has to be so difficult between them and phichit keeps trying to get him to speak to victor too until yuuri stops replying consistently to his messages as well. he throws himself into making music out of his mother’s life and vegetables sizzling and the clinking of metal bins. he goes out with his friends often to the beach and eats street food and watched cartoons with the triplets, and takes pictures of everyone smiling widely and before he knows it the loneliness has been drowned out significantly and he doesn’t feel as sore anymore, yet when victor’s standing with purple bags under his eyes and a fake smile at yuuko’s door when he’s supposed to be the house sitting, he’s not so sure anymore. 

he doesn’t look at victor, just puts on his shoes, locks the front and back door and intertwines their fingers dragging him to the sea, his grip is too tight and victors is too but yuuri forces them to walk 15 minutes in silence until they reach a secluded part of the beach. it’s extremely funny that it’s come to this point and victor asks permission before every kiss. they don’t speak just sit in the sand with water at their feet until it’s cold enough for clarity. yuuri buys them a pot of jasmine tea from the beach café and gets mari to drop off a blanket. she’s annoyed and frustrated but it’s necessary yuuri says and when she whispers soft spoken words of japanese into his ear, he understands. 

yuuri bites his lips trying not to let sentiment slip out to victor as he looks so serene yet soon enough he’s spilling his secrets into the wet sand with the love of his life at his side and his sisters perfume clinging to the comforter. 

“when i was younger i thought the world started at my feet and the moon followed me.” victor is staring at him with stars in his eyes. “my parents were the king and queen of the world and my sister a dream come to life. we didn’t spend so much time together as a family but when we did it was like a fairy tale, getting ice cream every sunny day and my mum hanging up the cards and drawings we made. she pressed the wild flowers we picked for her into books and cured broken hearts and promises with one kiss. i think i was a pretty naive child? what my father said was law and i always wanted to become just half the man i could be if it made him proud, if it made anyone proud but the thing is getting diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder at the age of 15 isn’t easy you know? you’re already struggling with identity and sexuality and people not letting you be yourself, and just a lot of discovery. add mental breakdowns and grades slowly slipping because you’re missing class due to panic attacks and fainting on all your friends and family. add sweaty palms and people treating you warily when you realise you’re bi? sexual that is. i don’t know victor, it’s just scary.” 

he looks up and victor is resolutely staring him in the eye, he feels tears well up. 

“your childhood really sets the tone for the rest of your life at least that’s what makes you who you are, and if you’ve spent your whole time as a coward determined not to be average whilst realising that inevitably of it, there’s no hope, it’s absurd and really weird and detachment is unavoidable really?” 

he takes a deep breath. “ i feel and felt everything so deeply yet can never find solace in my mind. all i have is sad songs with no words and people who i should never have built a home for to begin with.” 

victor has a look in his eyes and shaky air when he says words in russian and yuuri’s heart breaks completely because he knows what it means. 

“i love you yuuri, i wish that was enough.”

their miscommunication is vast as the ocean in front of them but yuuri lets victors hands, the nesting seagulls and waves lull him to peace, even if it's false. 

victor goes back to russia 13 days after that. they keep up a mask in front of his family, a quite realistic one at that, even mari is painting victor's nails and asking to see his routines. they go sightseeing and binge watch shows on Victor's hotel room tv. yuuri writes words in inky pen all over victor's body and gives him hickeys on the inside of his thighs. they have traditional ramen together (for his birthday) and complain about bad movies and watch despicable me 3 times in the old theatre that is so outdated and empty. yuuri let's himself laugh a lot and smile and kisses with all his might, he feels the impermanence of happiness saturate his blood and let's Victor's potent sunshine smile and rose shampoo colour code his life until, until, until there are too many missed calls on victor's phone and he can feel the wolves find every hiding place he knows (yet not victor's heart) but he doesn't know that himself yet. 

victor leaves with yuuri hopes and dreams and yuuri keeps chastising himself for giving too much away when he never receives. he can't get the smell of victor out of his favourite childhood bed sheets and that conveys enough. 

he goes back to the city and thanks phichit for watering his plants. the olive tree has grown superbly and phichit gives him a weird look, muttering something about meanings and soulmates still being this stupid in 2017? god. yuuri ignores him.


End file.
